skipping tea

The name is a silly reference to a Douglas Adams book that I always felt sounded like the title to a melodrama. I chose it because I had no other idea what to put in the title position.

I don't use this blog often as I don't actually have anyone read it so I think I may maintain it just to know that this block in the sidewalk is here for me to take a piece of chalk to when I feel the need.

But I don't know what that need is in particular. Today it is simply the need to speak of my depression.

Not a whole lot so say about it though. I've been aware of this darkness hovering over my soul for quite a while now. On occasion I'll hold it up to the light to take a closer look but have never really come to the root of the tangled mess.

My marriage ended five years ago and I've still not had even a single date. There's a strand.
I'm not especially happy at my current job, although it's still much better than the job I left. Still a strand.
The apartment I was looking forward to moving into will not be available after all. Another strand.
No apartment in that complex is available. Another.
The lease on my current place runs out at the end of the month. And another.
Unexpected expenses suddenly reared their head while I'm in an ill position to handle such a hit.
And another.

The breakup does not precede my depression, I'm actually unaware of anything that does. There have been times of joy, of course, but the tangle has ever hovered. I know I felt it in elementary and believe I see it's shadow in my earliest memories. It's definitely there in a memory from when I'm 2.

Currently, I've been focused on my present state. I live in a 3 bed, 2 bath townhouse apartment and will be moving to something smaller, that much is certain. And I feel, yet again, diminished.

Not long ago, I was working in a position I enjoyed and doing a job that I loved. I hated a great deal of the politics and such, but the job itself, that I loved. I was married with 4 children. Now I'm a single, middle-aged guy with no dating experience, with a job I enjoy less, which pays only about 3/4 what my previous job did. My ex is in a serious relationship and I ... well, like I said before, I've not even managed a date.

Most people I think of as friends have moved away or I've just lost touch as they still work at the aforementioned previous job. And truly, there are only about 2 still there that I considered friends. One has enough to deal with without having to deal with me and the other seems to have cut ties altogether. So every night, unless I talk to someone on the phone, my mouth only opens for sustenance after work. Were I not in so dark a place, I would likely relish such quiet. But instead I'm left lonely.

I haven't even an idea why I'm bothering to speak of it now. Maybe the silence is echoing a bit too loudly today. It keeps me from sleep and leaves my chest feeling empty, food flavorless and has come to leech my energy and strength.

Maybe I'm feeling so profoundly alone that even the sound of chalk virtually scrapping across the sidewalk is preferable to the echo in the wee hours of the morning. When I should be sleeping, but cant find my way to that twilight realm.

Maybe it just seemed a good idea at the time.