sheesh

Having a weak moment in a series of them of late.

Just have a sense of loneliness these days. The friends that I spent time with, there were only two, are pretty unavailable of late. One is actually my ex, but her boyfriend has moved back to the area, so she spends most time with him. The other is married and he and his wife have met a couple that they're spending a lot of time with. Both of these things are great, by the way, and I'm happy for their fortunes.

I too find myself thinking that I'd like to be part of a couple, but that requires another person (preferably with their consent, heh) and I've not found anyone interested. I meet people all the time, but find that I'm pretty much instantly looked upon as a friend, and that's where I stay.

This isn't a new phenomena either. Back in Jr. high (that's what we used to call middle school boys and girls) I would ask girls to dances or somesuch and would get the refrain, "I'm sorry, I don't think of you that way. I just think of you as a friend." It's just one of those things that happens to guys that are pretty nice I suppose.

I don't know how often you ladies (I'm taking a big leap in the idea that, should anyone read this, there may be a double X-chomosome packer among them) have had to deal with this or have delivered this line, but I'll explain why this is one of the more painful things a guy can hear.

First, there is the fact that this is a rejection. That, in and of itself, is a painful thing to deal with. But added to that is the "consolation prize" of being a friend. How many people went home with the Family Feud home edition to look on it sitting on it's shelf and feel the bite of defeat. It's the same with rejection. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your friendships aren't hugely valuable, they are. What I'm saying is that it is no consolation while you're telling us about the guy that is lucky enough to be in the position we had wished for ourselves just a short time back. We hate him with a passion by the way, through no fault of his own.

The other thing about the "friends" bite is the venom of knowing that this means we are not exactly men in your eyes. We are some neutered thing, not to be thought of for romantic love.

Just consider how painful it is to be emotionally castrated with a hot, dull rock. That's something along the lines of the feeling of knowing that you do have the Y-chromosome, but are not thought of as a man.

Oh, I know, this seems a harsh way of putting it. I must be exaggerating. Really though, it's much more like putting it poetically. The raw emotion is similar to such an event, though, as it's emotional, many a man is adept at hiding it - boys don't cry and all that crap.

That said, I do still put the poetic/proverbial nads on the chopping block from time to time. More often than not, I find myself emotionally grasping my nethers and weeping in a fetal position while saying, "No problem, I understand." The smile must be in place and there is the need to reassure that the person isn't hurting you. It's not really their fault after all. They really are trying to be nice. Right?

A week or two later I'll probably be helping them shop, I've a pretty good eye after all. As I said, friendships are valuable. True friendships are rare and while suffering through the peeling of the scab is rough, I've not enough friends to cast aside the opportunity to make a true one. ... who does?

So I find myself sitting in a silent room, typing this silly tome which probably sounds like I'm borderline suicidal. I'm not by the way, the two of you can relax.

I'm just hoping for an e-mail from the latest person for whom I've let my guard down, with a time and date to meet for coffee. And taking those short bracing breaths before the rock falls.