Putting asside history's rough draft

I got my start in journalism in January of 1999.

I was four weeks from graduating from Texas State Technical College with an associate of applied science degree in Digital Imaging Technology. I hadn't even applied for the job that I got.

I'd applied to fill an opening for a copy editor, which is basically a page designer of the daily pages with very little editing involved, and I'd put in an application and sent in my portfolio. I was never called back.

After two weeks, I just wanted my portfolio back to send in for other jobs. So I called the managing editor and she said I could come in and get it any time. I had an hour between the end of my morning classes and the time I had to report in to work, so I went to pick up my portfolio.

I thought it would just be handed over until she came to the reception area and I saw that she didn't have it with her. Then she asked if she could see me in her office.

Turns out the Features editor was on his way out, and they were in the process of creating an entertainment supplement. I had been working in a sign shop for two years and the managing editor liked that I had experience. She interviewed me for an hour asking various questions about choiced I'd made in designs that I'd submitted. I admitted that some choices were made because of time limitations and other constraints. Explained that I often gave myself a handicap when working on school projects because I knew that in the real world there would be limitations. (The one that frustrated my instructors the most, and I think taught me the most, was deciding that I would only work in black and white for one semester, because it's cheaper to reproduce and I knew cost would be an issue for some clients in the future.)

After the hour she called in the woman who was going to take over the Features editor position and the pair of them grilled me for another hour. (I would have left sooner as I was running late for work, but I knew the interview was going well and desperately wanted out of my current possition.) And then they said that they were going to call my references and would give me a call when they had a decision.

I expected to be waiting another week or so.

They called me at work 10 minutes later and asked if I could start that day. I said yes.

When I told my employers that I was giving my two weeks notice, they were stunned. I found a replacement and spent the next two weeks training him, designing the new entertainment supplement (they'd only had a logo that they didn't' like and so I had to redesign that too) and going to school full-time.

When I was first introduced around, by the managing editor, she literally did a double take when I asked the head of production if there was anything about the paper or presses that I should be aware of when designing. He did the same. I learned that the presses ran a little heavy on the cyan and had a 10% dot gain.

I was hooked from day one. I've never thought about leaving the fourth estate since. Whenever thinking of looking for a new job, leaving history's first draft behind never crossed my mind.

Until now.

I've been growing so wearly of all the stupid little politics at work and all of the grind of crap that is heaped upon me.

Added to that, I've taken on more than my fair share, always go above and beyond to produce and have sought to constantly learn more and do an even better job than expected. Constantly striving and despite being hobbled by those around me.

But I deeply love journalism.

Still, the idea of leaving is heavy in my mind of late. Advertising seems a fun place to go, but I'm not certain.

Yesterday, I spoke with my immediate supervisor about this, among other sinking feeling. He spoke to me first as a boss and assured me that I'm much more valued in the company than I think and that all management thinks a lot of me.

Then he said that, as a friend, he hopes that I don't leave the industry. He said that he feels I'm an asset to the industry, not just the paper but the industry.

It was really nice to hear. Don't know how much I buy it and how much of it is just trying to make a pal feel better, or even an employer trying to stroke an employee's ego, but it was nice to hear.

I don't know if I'll be leaving the industry. I know that I love what I do, but haven't really felt any real drive in a while.

I still produce on a consistent basis, I'm still doing a solid job, but I find that going above and beyond feels almost hollow. When you know your big reward is just a paycheck — and that the same can be said of those who do the bare minimum, sometimes less than such — it hold less sway.

So at this point, I'm not sure if I produce as consistently, solidly and aggressively because I'm driven by my job, or if I just don't know how to do less. It seems more likely that I just don't know any better.

Still, I honestly love what I do, even if I don't really love the job itself anymore.